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Posts Tagged ‘Blindness; life; anniversaries’

I got the 10 Years Blues

Monday, May 23rd, 2016

Yep, first off, it’s been a while since I wrote here.. sorry about that.

2nd off, the reason I came back. 10 years, it’s really been 10 years. You might be asking what in the world am I prattling on about… the answer to your question could be found here.

If you don’t want to read a 4 year old post, I guess I could give you the skinny.

It was only 6 years when I wrote that post, and while not much has changed, a lot seems to have changed.

So, 10 years ago, I was wheeled into an operating room with promises of returning to “normal” for what that serves as a status quo for me then. Needless to say, that “normal” was never reached. When I woke up, I couldn’t see the details of the room around me, I couldn’t really even see where my parents were sitting at my bed side. It was terrifying, but I felt the need to stay calm for the sake of not freaking my parents out. That’s me, always thinking of everyone else first.

I was told not to worry, things just needed time to adjust, my vision would be back in a couple of weeks. I thought, “Ok, no big deal, I can handle this for a few weeks.”

Well, a few weeks turned into a couple of months, and then I finally got a doctor to tell me the truth no one else wanted to say to an 18 year old girl fresh out of high school. “What vision you have now is all you will ever have, and I can’t promise it won’t get worse over time.”

That was a gut punch that I couldn’t take like nothing happened. I broke down, right there in the doctor office, ugly crying and all. I was just 1 step away from hysteria. I think if I could have talked, I probably would have been hysterical, but thankfully, I had no words, only tears.

What do you say to that? How do you react? Is there a right or wrong thing to say or do? I don’t think so, but I’m a firm believer that everyone deals differently.

One thing that cheered me up and drove me crazy at the same time was people saying to me “You are taking this so well. You don’t even look down about the whole situation, that’s really amazing.”

How could I go around showing the world my devastation? What good would that have done? I had it in my head, the best way to deal with something is to accept it and move on. Something from a distantly remembered Proverb about not being able to change things out of your control… and yeah, this was waaay out of my control.

I felt it inspirational to me that people didn’t notice I was sad, devastated and utterly lost.

I’ll spare you and myself all the bad thoughts I had, and pushed aside because once again, “What good will that do?”. That thought, along with my feeling of responsibility to hold it together for my friends and family probably got me through the 2nd worst time in my life. I say 2nd, because even though I was a small girl when my dad died, that still has to be the worst experience, losing a parent.

I now want to move forward, sharing all the other stuff that’s happened since that fateful day in 2006.

As a result of that day, I realized where I made some less than stellar decisions and put myself on a course to fix that. That course wasn’t probably the best way to deal, but the end result was worth it I think.

As a result of that course, I found the love of my life, the person who completes me and makes me feel like the most special person in the world sometimes. Don’t get me wrong, we aren’t like star crossed lovers like Romeo and Juliet or anything, but that also will probably be the difference in mutual destruction and something that lasts a long, long time. I fell in love with Taylor Scott at a time in my life where that was the last thing I was looking for. Guess it’s true, you always get what you don’t expect when it is least expected.

He’s been my rock, my sounding board, my cheerleader, and most of all my voice of reason. I couldn’t ask for a better person to share my life with.

That’s probably the number 1 thing that has come out of the past 10 years.

Next has been the transitions I’ve experienced, losing some friends, making others. That was a real life lesson that everyone should experience I think. It is hard losing friends, and even harder making new ones. I think I can safely say that after Taylor, my 2 best friends are people I have never met. They exist strictly on the internet and over the phone, but I couldn’t ask for better people to put up with me and my crazy antics. Thanks Randi and Ricardo, you 2 are the best.

Next, in these past 10 years, I have graduated from college 4 times. I have a certificate of basic management skills, an associate degree in liberal arts, a bachelor degree in business administration, and finally a master degree in management/leadership. I even have contemplated my PhD. I think if I tried to do that, my other best friend and the best reader in the state of Texas, Megan, would murder me with just her thoughts! haha

I’ve got great parents, great parents in Taylor’s parents, and a great family on both sides.

So, while it does suck to be blind some days, and it even can be so frustrating that it makes me feel like I have steam coming out of my ears. I just have to remember all the good and it makes me feel a little bit better. You have to give a little to get a little, and I think I gave my eyesight for everything I have now. I’ll tell you this, and it made shock you all. I would do that trade every day of the week and twice on Sundays! 🙂

It really breaks my heart and exasperates me when people say “I don’t know how you do it. I think I would never recover from that.” or my personal favorite, “If I had lost my sight like that, I probably would have killed myself. My life would have been over.” That last one makes me grind my teeth, and really just makes me mad.

I have so much to be thankful for, and I can’t deny that I probably wouldn’t have any of it had it not been for a fateful day in May in 2006.

I have a job now, a fantastic boyfriend, family and friends. I couldn’t ask for more, that would just be greedy.

Next time something has you down, or you want to comment on someone else’s disadvantage, think about all the possibilities for good that could have or did come from that tradgedy or misfortune.

Not everything bad ends badly. Life is what you make it, and why not make your stay here as fun and enjoyable as possible?

I know I’m going to try, depression and anxiety be damned!

One thing hasn’t changed, I still think of others before myself, and I don’t think that is a bad thing. I think that’s a sign of good raising and good parents.

Ok, so that’s all I got. This has been therapeutic, and I’m moderately less sad than I was when I started writing.

Thanks for reading this far if you made it!

Leave a comment, or catch me on Twitter!

TaTa,
Amanda Ellen

6 years, my how time flys!

Wednesday, May 23rd, 2012

Well, would you lookie there. It’s May 23 all over again.

This makes 6 years, 6 years since my life changed forever.

Today makes 6 years since they wheeled me into an operating room drilled a hole in my skull, played with my brains a bit, and shipped me back to my parents blind.

At the time we all thought it was temporary, but here I am 6 years later and not much has changed.

Well, at least not with my eye sight, but my life has changed in so many different and interesting ways.

 

 

If someone would have told me in December of 2005 that 6 months later I would have horrible headaches, blurred vision, then little to no vision, and this was all part of a disease that would plague me for the rest of my life, I might have just told you that I’m going to jump off a bridge and that my life will be completely over.

I was a dramatic teenager, but who isn’t?

I had a bright future, made the drill team at a local private college, scholarships to help my parents with the costs; I wouldn’t have to live in a dorm because the college was driving distance from home… I had friends and lots of them.

We partied, I thought I was in love, Ah, the graduating class of 2006 was a force to be reckoned with and we were prepared to make the world see that.

We had a lot of smart people in my class, and I would like to consider myself to be a part of that group.

I learned early how to manage my party and study time so that my grades didn’t suffer.

I was president of the school’s chapter of DECA (business and marketing club) and I was district secretary.

I had composed a monster paper about my favorite charity and made a kick ass PowerPoint to go along with it.

I was smart, bright, and ready to take on the world.

I feel grateful that I got to have the experiences I did while I was in school.

Being able to do the business and marketing competitions, be on the drill team for all 4 years of high school, run wild and crazy with my friends, and be able to be a normal teenager.

 

But now let’s fast forward, its 2012. I’m now 24 years old and its 6 years to the day that I lost the majority of the eye sight that I have lost up to this point. I’m really mostly happy with my life and the turns and changes it’s had. I didn’t get to go to that private college, or be on that college’s drill team, but I really think that I’m ok with that.

I think that this way has been better now than it’s ever been. I got myself out of a dangerous and horrible relationship. (This relationship was the same one from high school where I thought I was in love.) I’m in a new relationship, this one just helped me and Taylor celebrate our 5 year anniversary in April. I know I’m in love this time around. I’m older, wiser, and more aware of the hard knocks that life can throw at you and feel that I’m mostly more prepared for that now.

My parents live in Oklahoma City, I live outside the DFW (Dallas/Fort Worth) area, and my sister still lives in the town we all grew up in.

I’m content for now. I’m close to finishing my bachelor’s degree in business administration; I’ve got the green light to get my masters after I take a semester off.

This whole going blind thing really hasn’t been too bad. This way I’ve saved myself and my parents a ton of money because the state of Texas pays the costs of my classes, I get financial aid for my books, and I don’t have to buy my own technology unless I want to. (I usually do buy my own tech)

I’ve got a wonderful guide dog that I love with my whole heart and wouldn’t trade her for anything in the world.

This is all brought to me by going blind.

If I hadn’t lost my sight, I might have not met Taylor; I might be like my sister and still live in the same hole in the wall town, and may just be stuck.

I also wouldn’t have had the opportunity to meet lots of cool, interesting, nice, and awesome people.

I wouldn’t have heard about Guide Dogs for the Blind, or received Leah. I also don’t think that I would have come to love sports as much as I do without going blind. If it weren’t for going blind I might not have met RO, and then may not have been such a huge Rangers fan! Baseball and football make my life so much better, it’s nice to enjoy a game and only care about the game for a few hours!

 

 

I really can’t make myself sit down and try to figure out where my life would be if I had not lost my sight.

Comparing my way of thinking to my 18 year old self’s way of thinking, I think that going blind could’ve been one of the best things that ever happened to me, and I can’t say that I would change anything if I could.

My 18 year old self is screaming at me from the inside calling me all kinds of ugly names, but just give her time… she’ll grow up and realize that things are pretty good from where I’m sitting.

I’ll admit there have been drawbacks to the blind thing, and yes they can be frustrating. This doesn’t mean that I spend my days longing to have my sight back.

This just means that yeah, every once in a while I find myself saying that if I had my sight this task wouldn’t be as hard or impossible without help.

I love my life, surgeries, crazy friends, up and down emotions, grumpy boyfriend, crazy loveable pup, twitter friends, network of friends and family from my hometown on Facebook. I enjoy visiting my parents whatever part of the country they might be in at that time.

I love Taylor’s family even though they drive me up the wall sometimes; I love my family even though we would like to wring each other’s necks sometimes.

But mostly I love life.

I can’t wait to finish school and see what life has in store for me outside the institution of school’s walls.  I’m thankful for the people that have entered and left and stayed in my life.

I think that by having such great friends it has made it possible for me to love my life this much.

I thank Taylor for loving me and being there for me in his own special way.

I thank Taylor’s family for doing what they do for us, because it’s honestly more than I can name.

I thank my parent’s for not giving up on me when things didn’t look so great.

I thank Twitter, without Twitter I wouldn’t know the awesome Canadians I know. I love my Canadians, and you guys are awesome!

I thank all of you guys, all of you have contributed in some way to help make my life as great as it is.

 

Thanks everyone for being a part of this melting pot I call life!

Here’s to another 6 years and many more to come!

Lots of Love,

Amanda Ellen