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Archive for April, 2010

The word of the day is….

Wednesday, April 7th, 2010

Well, the word of the day is unwanted. I am so frustrated. Sometimes I just wonder if its so bad that I have days that I just want to get out and run away…I not going into the details about everything because I am sure no one really wants to know all that. I just want him to want me more than he wants hiself if that makes sense. I hope it does because I am no in the mood for explaining. He makes me feel very unwanted, very stupid, stupid sometimes, but there are times that he makes me feel wonderful, the luckiest girl ever, like no one could ever love me as much as he does, and makes me feel like all in the world is right. I am just not sure what to think or what to do. I want to talk about it, but he won’t listen or care. If he does listen he will just tell me I am being stupid and its my fault. Well I don’t see him coming up with anything to make it any better or less boring…but its my fault. WTF? But really…times like these makes me wish I could see, so I could just hop in my car and go for a drive to clear my head…like I used to be able to do. Those drives always made me feel better…nothing but me, the road, my car, and the radio. I could cry or get pissed off and not have to worry about who was watching or listening. I could drive myself far enough away for enough time to make myself feel better, since no one else wants to help in that matter. So, really this my major upset with being blind. Its times like these I wish I could see and I get all depressed. I just guess I need to get stuff off my chest and no one wants to listen so I am just going to write it out and who ever wants to listen can, and if you don’t well then don’t. He just makes me feel like nothing I do can be good enough sometimes…but once again…I don’t see him coming up with something new…So it can’t be all my fault…Sometimes the backyard is just not enough space for me…sometimes I just would like to be able to take a walk or once again take a drive…this the most frustrating part. The other is him, and then the other is no one to listen to make me feel better. I know I am repeating myself and I am sorry for that…Its just that I am just frustrated and pissed off and lets not forget hurt. I feel so imperfect…well worse than that. I feel like damaged goods..so damaged that all the kings horses and all the kings men couldn’t put Amanda back together again. I can’t cry, because I am so pissed off…and I know that crying would prob make me feel a bit better…Why can’t life be like a book…You meet prince charming, fall in love, have 2.5 kids, and a dog and live happily ever after? Or is that just my life that can’t be like a fairy tale? It seems there alot of people that are very happy all the time with their husbands and boyfriends…but guess thats not in the cards for me. Another word for the day is worthless, it just came to mind. I feel unwanted and worthless. Like I hold no value to anyone or anything. I really wonder how healthy this is for a persons self esteem…I really do. Not that there was much there to start with….So much to say, so much I won’t say and why? Because he won’t care. He only sometimes cares when I throw a fit, cry and bawl, and say I don’t understand why we are both still here if I make him so unhappy. Then he might actually care. Then he might actually listen. Only then. I have a million and one things I should be doing right now, but who wants to do anything whenyou have no feeling of self worth…whats it going to matter if I do these things..is anyone really goin to care or will they be like eeverything else I do and go unnoticed. That is the story of my life, going unnoticed…unless someone wants someone they can emotionally or physically beat up on. I am just too soft.
But I guess I am done with this for now…I don’t have anything else to say and its not helping any…

Thanks for the time,